A MESSAGE

At a music festival in the middle of the street
 
I heard a man on stage say to the crowd
 
“You people in the back, you know what you’re acting like? A bunch of industry pussies. Now get up here and fuck shit up… this song is about a shark!”

And so began the greatest song ever written about a shark.

The last book tour I went on I brought three people who had never actually met each other. It was such a great idea.

COMPREHENSION

When a caterpillar sees a butterfly
does it know?

NEWS

Every year
the age of the kid
in the news story
who goes crazy
and kills his family/neighbor/teacher
seems to drop
lower
and lower.

REAL GIRL

Sometimes, if you are very quiet, and just a bit lucky
you can hear two boys
dressed as miniature skateboarders
sitting on the swing set
at a family park
in North Hollywood California
in the year 2008
having an actual conversation
like this:
 
BOY ONE: Naw man, have you seen her lately? She’s like a for real girl.

BOY TWO: Like a girl girl?

BOY ONE: Yeah a girl girl.

BOY TWO: Like she’s wearing pink and stuff?

BOY ONE: No, not pink but like blue. Not dark blue, but you know that powder blue.
She was wearing that. Like a powder blue tank top.

BOY TWO: Does she still wear hats?

BOY ONE: No, she’s got one of those Wooshes.

BOY TWO: What’s that?

BOY ONE: Where she wears her hair on the side like (demonstrates a “woosh” with his hands).

BOY TWO: Woah.

BOY ONE: I know.

LONG PAUSE.

BOY ONE: It’s kinda hot.

BOY TWO: Do you think she likes you?

LORE

A faith healer carved his name into that tree.
It was a few days after a young boy was killed by a snake.
He had been promised it was drained of its venom.
 
The faith healer took it hard.
Been on the fence the weeks before
about whether or not this was his true path
his calling.
He’d seen others with the holy ghost.
True salesmen.
But to him, well…
there were just so many beautiful women in this world.
 
So when the boy began to convulse
and foam up around the mouth
all the man could see
was every stray doubt he’d ever had
every crack in his commitment.

The boy’s parents sued the church of course
Would have sure sued the faith healer too
if he hadn’t disappeared.
(Some say dead, others: down south, wandering)

Only sign he left before he vanished
was on that tree
with a little poem about Christ underneath
an apology
that I can no longer remember.

My dad told me the whole story
every time we came here
to throw a ball or ride a bike

And every time I acted like I’d never heard it
because I liked the way his voice fit the words
and his eyes got wide when he told of the convulsions
like he’d been there.

The city took the tree last week
took all the trees up out of the entire park.
A foreign bug had got to ‘em.
It was out of their hands.
Three flat bed cranes and two teams of union men.

Nothing but a giant hole now
where the sun comes spilling over
and some orange cones put around it
so no one falls in.

NOTES

The next time someone
parks their car
in a way
that annoys you so much
that you feel the need to leave them a note
telling them about it,
you should instead
just write them a note that says-
“Dear Jeff, now I know where to find you.
Don’t think I forgot about what you did to my little girl.
I’ll be watching you…”
Then draw a picture of a knife at the bottom.
 
This way, if they are not named Jeff
they will certainly reconsider parking
in or around this area so as not to be mistaken for Jeff
and if they are named Jeff… well,
victory is yours.

NIGHT (GREATER THAN) CLUB

Last night
we cleaned our closets
of old books, clothing, movies, and other small but valuable items
that we no longer appreciated.
 
We spread them out on my bed
and bundled each into a tidy care package,
then wrapped them with the paper
left over from Christmas
and fit the packages with a note
explaining its contents
and how useful it might be
if discovered by the right person.

Some that were less exciting
or less useful
we added stories to
like how they were magical
or given to us by wizards,
and some we drew pictures on
and made quite colorful.

We drove around the city
leaving them at bus stops,
in parks, on doorsteps,
hidden inside newspaper machines
for strangers to find
and hopefully open
and be happy about.

In the process
we also discovered
a twenty four hour Korean spa
built into a four story shopping mall
with a laser light karaoke bar in the basement
where they will record your song onto compact disc.

For twenty dollars you can spend the night in the spa,
steam, shower, sauna, and sleep
in a big comfy leather chair
until eleven AM.

For seventy dollars you can get a massage
that includes acupressure and a deep cleaning face scrub.

Also there is a fruit stand in the parking lot
run out of the back of a delivery truck.

The peaches are delicious.