BLUES
BLUES
I would like to meet the manager
responsible for quality control
on the assembly line
that manufacturers scented magic markers.
A: to ask her how she secured the coolest job in the world
And
B: to talk about why blue raspberry exists.
Dallas Clayton
BRAGGING
BRAGGING
If you strike it big this year
remember not to spend too much
on extra large forevers
that let everyone know
that you are done doing and making
and now ready to start being.
Of course there is a temptation,
especially after working so long and so hard,
to want to seek out the largest television
and a vanity license plate announcing
(in consonants only)
the make and model
of the car you always dreamed of owning.
But if you aren’t careful
when things come back around
(which they often do)
your mansion will still be turquoise
with glass furniture
a couch-sized aquarium
and a giant satellite dish
sunk into your back yard
waving its defeated metal arm
to the neighbors
apologizing
for not being rich anymore.
FAIRY TALES
FAIRY TALES
If you are ever walking through the forest
and happen upon a fox
caught in a furrier’s trap
and the fox says to you in a funny little voice:
“Hey, if you help me out of this trap, I’ll grant you a wish!”
and you help the fox out by prying open the trap
with a tree branch
and the fox thanks you
and tells you that he has to go back to his fox hole
to get his magic spell book
to grant your wish
but first he needs to borrow twenty dollars or whatever cash you have on you
I can tell you FOR A FACT
that you are never going to collect on that magic wish.
Even if you wait around until dark.
CHEERS
CHEERS
A new year
is about to eat up the calendar,
to kill off good people that I know,
bring me gifts I could never have anticipated,
and might not even need
and try its hardest
day in and day out
to make me think
that it’s a good idea
to finally start buckling down.
And so we dance.
RESOLUTIONS PART I
RESOLUTIONS PART I
-Attend hypnotism school
-Learn to hypnotize people
-Hypnotize teacher into giving me back the money I paid to learn to hypnotize
-Use hypnotism to trick people into thinking they are factory workers
-Buy factory (extra money left over from saving on hypnotism school + bad economy)
-Think of something to make
-Make it (Pick something easy)
-Use hypnotized factory workers to help with assembly, shipping, heavy lifting, etc.
-Chill
APTITUDE
APTITUDE
Today after being asked the question
“Were there buildings when dinosaurs were here?”
I tried to explain evolution to a five year old.
It took thirty minutes.
And I still failed.
Why can’t he ask questions like
“If you were a pair of shoes, what color would you be?”
I know the answer to that.
Gold.
NEW YEAR
NEW YEAR
I’ve never broken a bone.
I know this is something people say, but it is true.
I am sure it is true when they say it to, I guess, because that would be a funny thing to lie about but-
Well, I’ve been thinking maybe it’s time I should, right?
I mean if not now, when?
Next year?
The year after?
The year after that?
I’m only going to be doing less and less dangerous things as I get older
and ending up in less and less hairy situations
for my bones to get broken in.
How will I break a bone when I’m 65?
Falling off a ladder?
Where’s the glory in that?
If there’s one thing that I know I don’t want
It’s for my first broken bone to be my hip.
I don’t want to break my hip from lack of calcium
and the inevitability of death.
That would really be a slap in the face.
Make my whole life seem like I was pussyfooting around.
Pussyfooting?
Yes, pussyfooting.
None of that for me!
OWNERS MANUAL
OWNERS MANUAL
At the bottom of the pile
buried, and missing a cover
there is a book.
It isn’t a popular book
and the author’s name
you’d never know.
But it is truly a work of art
written just for you.
Inside, somewhere near the middle pages,
there is a sentence
that best describes your life
and answers all the questions you’ve ever had.
Pure poetry.
It’s remarkable.
You’d agree.
Sadly,
you’ll never read it
because it is getting late
and you have work in the morning
and you are already thinking about
how to beat traffic.
SURVEY
SURVEY
All in all
what are your memories like
of people you have known
who have owned snakes as pets?
Negative?
QUILTING
QUILTING
I would like to make a quilt
as heavy as those vests you have to wear
when they take your x ray at the dentist
only full of small flowers instead of lead
like a lavender potpourri,
but big enough to cover my entire bed
and me as well.
No reason for this.
No marketing plan.
Just think it would feel nice.
Like being hugged
by a giant friend.
SAINTHOOD
SAINTHOOD
I am on pins and needles.
It is almost that magical morning.
How ready I am to trick my son into thinking
a strange older gentleman has descended a chimney
which we don’t have,
eaten a plate of cookies,
and left him a Razor scooter
in exchange for being kind to strangers
and brushing his teeth before bed.
Oh, what glorious lengths we go to.
ON THE LIST
ON THE LIST
The first thing you might notice
when taking your car to get the muffler replaced
at “Celebrity Muffler and Transmission”
is the number of celebrities waiting in the parking lot.
Thousands of them.
On their phones.
Gabbing with their agents.
Buying and selling people like you at the snap of a finger.
You might wonder how they all got there
What makes this place so different.
Well as any good realtor will tell you:
location, location, location.
See it’s next to the smog check station
which is a place that celebrities have been known to frequent for decades
and also it is within walking distance (three blocks)
of the 76 Gas Station where the owner has a giant parrot
and we all know how celebrities feel about parrots.
(Love them).
It’s overwhelming at first
being that close to so many big names
that you just want to reach right out
and touch them each on the face
and feel a little bit of their magic.
But you get used to it.
And soon you’ll feel like it’s no big deal at all.
Just another
place in Los Angeles
where you take your car
to get the muffler and transmission fixed.